Gone? What’s the first thing that comes in my mind after reading this word? 2016.. Yeah 2016 to be serious. 2016 is gone and I miss it a lot.
You know for me 2016 was a Survivor year. It gave me every happiness and then took it and finally taught me how to balance my life between expectations and reality, between being emotional and practical, between heart and mind.
In the starting few months it gave me the biggest problem of my life, thinking of that shakes me out of fear even now. I get thoughts about it every night before sleeping and I face it. Yeah I am a fighter. It scares the hell out of me, I shiver out of fear and then I calm myself down. Not for one day but daily. And I will not let myself be broken by that fear.
Valentines day, 14 February was one of my favorite memory of 2016. I had a long chat with someone I love and he proved my beliefs about him true. Situations wanted me to let him go away but I never gave up on him. So, that was the day my heart won with its love.
In the middle of the year, I was lucky enough to experience a trip in foreign land with my family. That was lovely. Traveling is always fun and when you get peace in your vacations, it is always cherry on the cake. I wasn’t that excited to go. But when I reached Singapore, the city made me fall in love with it. After going I was so excited that I felt bad for leaving the city. Plus it was my birthday trip, have not got such a wonderful gift in life.
It was year of friendships, relations actually a mirror for them. It showed me who is worth to be cared for and to spent my time on. There come many type of people in our lives some stay for small period, some for longer and some forever. 2016 taught me how to differentiate among types of people and deal with their period of time. Yeah I lost some people, Some people lost me. It’s a balance, Not all people are meant to stay. And when you don’t know how to handle friendships ? Learn it, or time will teach as 2016 did to me.
It was whole year of experiments I loved. I turned my friends, by friends I mean close friends including my best friend, my enemies. I left them saying blah blah blah, fighting with them and so on. All fake. Circumstances made me do that. And then after some months I got them back. Yeah because some friends are true friends no matter how you show from outside, they know your true feelings.
Did I mention about mood swings of 2016? Oh! I had never seen such swings in my mood whole life. Have you ever felt numb? Have you ever felt that someone is using a pin in your body but still you didn’t feel that pain? Yeah I experienced it.
I don’t know why? I was doing all fine, actually just living my life and then Tragic turn came. So much feelings to feel and now I can see what I could not at that time. I really thought I was fine, but I was struggling to get a better future. I was struggling to get a living from my present.
I felt that I am fine but then I would think what is so good about my life that I am fine? I spent months hanging between fine and not fine. And then came a turn, I stopped caring about anything, means anything in life. Nothing mattered much. Okay someone abused me? Its okay. Someone hurted me? I thought for 5 minutes about it and then I am okay. I failed? Fine, I will give the retest. My friend cheated me? Fine there is nothing that can be done. My ex whom I still love have a new girl friend? Oh that too fine, because I can’t do anything in that.
I kept on analyzing my situations throughout the year. I shared this situation with one of my friend and he replied “You are preparing for a better version of yourself. Have patience and enjoy the transformation.” And now I understand his words. I really was getting better each day. And I am better today.
There was a time I cried myself to sleep almost daily and not knowing the reason. I mean how can someone cry without any reason? That is a tough situation. Sometimes I could see myself getting upset for silly reasons, I should say very sad, like too much. Sometimes I would get irritated and angry on my friends without their fault. And sometimes I speak “So what?”, “That’s your problem” and “I don’t care” when they share about their problems. I mean how does it feel to hear when you are already stressed?
I hurted people and got hurted too. Its okay. They never knew about the hurricane of feelings inside me. Soon they forgot what I did and were happy in there life, as if it hardly mattered. Then came the time I felt nothing again yes again after feeling care for people and then hurting them because I felt I don’t exist in their life as they exist in mine. I felt that my absence won’t matter to them, even if my presence did.So I chose to leave them.
Ya I didn’t soon I went to again in the Not feeling phase for 2-3 months and this time I was pretty cool with it because I had experienced it earlier. Ya I noted every feeling, every part well in my diary (P.S. I am a regular diary writer). And then First feeling I felt is happiness. Yeah I felt happy seeing how much my brother loves and cares for me, I felt happy dancing with friends, I felt happy enjoying festival with my family, I felt happy when I started learning to make android applications, I felt happy when I should. I went to a family wedding and there I had an awesome time. I had my happiness at peak. Then came anger. Yeah the second feeling. I got angry on my brother to say that he want to listen my every feeling when he wasn’t ready. I was angry on him to not being there when I needed him. I was angry on my friends for treating me granted. And that anger brought my all feelings back.
Yupiiee! I survived that phase. ❤ I got my feelings back because I already learnt what I was supposed to learn. I did pass. And in the end of 2016, I confronted with my love, which was one sided. I thought to propose him and listen his NO directly. So that I don’t live in any false hopes and destroy myself again. I got the NO and I moved on. Yeah I was already on my moving on phase from those months of my mood swings. I realized that I have to accept the situation, so it was easy.
And here I am with all my feelings, a better version of myself, writing this post with a happy smile on my face. Yeah I am happy, real one. Because I learnt how to live a life with small moments and make a better future.
I miss 2016. But sometimes Its better to let go. 2016 was meant to go as I already learnt my lessons, its work is over.
Yeah I can proudly say 2016 is GONE with older version of me. GONE FOR GOOD… 🙂
Ana 